Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
