who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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