Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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