I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
