Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
