Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
