Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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