This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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