what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
