Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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