Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
