I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
