Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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