I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
