they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
