____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
