my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize