Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
