I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
