I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize