When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
