I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
FUCK WHALES
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
