someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
