Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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