I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
