The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
