The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
