I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
