he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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