i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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