Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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