I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
