my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Alive.
So much puke
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
