Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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