I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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