ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
