toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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