i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
