How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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