dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
