she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
