If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He felt like a one man threesome
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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