I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
