Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
