You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
