I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
