Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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