u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
