I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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