i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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