Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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