Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
