Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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