I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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