Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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