I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
