did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize