shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
