I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
