I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
