I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
