i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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