he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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